One of those nights

It is getting harder and harder to breathe. My throat hurts; my eyes fill up with tears. In the prelude of my pain I can feel it; tonight is one of those nights. As I wash my face I look at myself in the mirror. Is this really worth it? I am full of anxiety; I am afraid of the future. With each second that passes my anxiety grows. What I am doing here? Just wasting my time. I try to think about the things that make me happy, but those same thoughts only increase my anxiety. Time seems to slip through my fingers. 

I feel like I am chasing something to never reach it... Or is there something chasing me instead? The future awaits for me, and my destiny is written. I do not have to look for a meaning, I know I am only here to disappear, and I wish I were not aware of this. I write because it eases my pain, even when most of this does not really make sense. I have to write because otherwise I feel I will not be able to breathe again. My throat keeps hurting; I hate this feeling. My mind will not leave me alone, even if I try to run away from my thoughts. I am yet in another edge. The edge between giving up and living in fear, or holding on to the smallest bit of faith that I may have left and making my life simpler. But this faith is dying as time passes not only for me, but for everyone I may care.

 I am living in a comfortable position right now since I have not lost anyone, but what is going to happen when time really passes over someone I love? I live in fear; I live in agony; I live waiting for the worst; I live in jealousy. I want a simple mind. I want to just go with the flow, and to never care, but then, that would be a totally different person, not me. At this point I feel that anxiety is something embedded in me; it is becoming who I am, and I am slowly disappearing. Happy moments leave me with a sour aftertaste because I feel how they quickly end, and sad moments are devastating because I have nothing but logic to hold on to. My life is comprised of  "I am so happy, but this will soon end, I know it" and "this sucks, but that is just how life is. A bad decision, a situation." Could haves are slowly fading away. I do not like to think about how things could be, because each lost chance is nothing but that, I cannot change the past.

If I could go back in time just for a second, if I could fix this, if I could just apply what I know now, I would do it. I would be so happy to make different decisions, but I cannot do it now. I cannot fix the past, I cannot change what it is done. I do not want to think about it, because it hurts. It hurts knowing that one simple choice, one simple word or even better one simple silence could make everything so much different now. It turns out that it does not matter how much I wish it, I cannot stop time and I definitely cannot go back.

I remember becoming 15 and wishing that time would stop there (now I know that I can stop the time for myself; I would "just" have to die. Time stops for me, but it keeps running for other people. The world does not care). In all my infinity teenager stupidity I already knew my biggest desire, I did not want to grow up. Now that I grew up a little bit, I know being an adult feels good. For the first time I get to decide, but for the first time I am alone with my decisions. I am 20 and if somehow I could just go back in time to the time when I was 6, I would do it in a blink. I miss my home; I miss my past; I do not miss my past me. I think back at when I was in high school and it seems and endless carousel of bad decisions and cringeworthy actions. However, I feel like at some point I lost my youth. I stopped been a child and became an adult, an old adult. I should be enjoying life, aren't I just in the age to do so? but instead I am getting filled with anxiety. I just hate goodbyes... I guess.

Now, I can breathe again. Somehow I went back to myself. I close my eyes and open them again... I am still here... I wonder, for how long will this be true?